


The Strange and Not Entirely Ineffective Courting of Jon Stewart by Stephen T. Colbert

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Pundit & Broadcast Journalist RPF (US)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-19
Updated: 2007-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 02:56:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1627889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      Huge thanks to finitejester for the awesome beta.<p>Written for Roadstergal</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Strange and Not Entirely Ineffective Courting of Jon Stewart by Stephen T. Colbert

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to finitejester for the awesome beta.
> 
> Written for Roadstergal

 

 

**I. A Gentleman Caller**

It started with a phone call. Well, to be more precise, it started with an unanswered phone call. Jon had looked at the display, sighed, and let the call go to voice mail. He then started counting in his head. When he got to thirty, the phone rang again, sounding somehow more agitated than the first time. He began silently counting down from fifteen. When he got down to zero, the phone rang again, this time managing to sound angry.

"And now the cell phone, in five... four... three... two... one..." Jon said to himself and smiled when his cell phone began to ring and vibrate in something that looked almost exactly like pent up fury.

If Jon didn't pick up, Stephen would call his cell phone one more time, his office phone three more times, and then his cell phone again. After that, he would start calling other people to find out where Jon was. Jon still had no idea how Stephen got his mother's phone number.

The longest Jon ever lasted without picking up the phone was three hours. He had to stop when he got a call from Stephen's office saying that Stephen was on the phone with the police trying to file a missing person's report and wasn't happy that they were telling him that you can't file a missing person's report just because someone doesn't answer their phone.

Usually, Jon wasn't able to hold out for more than a minute. He told himself it wasn't masochism, just self preservation. A Stephen who was talking to him was a Stephen not getting in trouble in other ways that led to nightmares and lawsuits.

"Stephen, hi," Jon said brightly, picking up the cell phone.

**II. The Fine Art of Conversation**

There was an art to talking to Stephen Colbert and the art mostly involved not listening, but managing to say, "Yes, Stephen," at the exact right time.

Jon was a master. Sometimes he would play solitaire while Stephen talked, sometimes he would work on a crossword puzzle, sometimes he would edit his friend's wikipedia pages (His secret was that he never talked about it and made only small edits that were easily overlooked, but were still funny to him. The point wasn't to amuse the world, the point was to amuse himself, and he was still laughing about what he'd done to Anderson's page), and sometimes he even actually did work, but he tried to never listen to what Stephen was saying, that way lay madness and migraines.

"Are you listening to me, Jon?" Stephen demanded.

"Yes, Stephen," Jon said automatically.

"So, we're agreed," Stephen said.

Shit.

The trick was not to panic. Or maybe the trick was to never show fear. Jon could never remember.

"Um..." Jon began.

"It's not that I don't respect you, I mean I don't, but that's not the reason why."

And here was the problem: Jon was the expert at not listening to Stephen, but that didn't mean that he always, or often really, listened to his own advice. Sometimes he just had to listen. It was like pulling at a scab. He knew it was wrong, and that it would hurt, and that it had the potential to leave him scarred for life, but sometimes he just couldn't help himself.

"Stephen, what are you talking about?" Jon said patiently.

"You can't be my running mate, Jon," Stephen said in a rush, like he was waiting for Jon to start yelling.

"Your what?" Jon asked, confused.

"When I'm President, Jon, you can't be my Vice President," Stephen explained, sounding sad.

"Okay," Jon said, not really knowing what else to say.

"Really?" Stephen said, sounding more cheerful. "I thought you were going to hate me."

"Stephen, I don't want to be your running mate," Jon said gently.

"Of course you don't," Stephen soothed.

"Really, it's okay, Stephen," Jon said.

'I did consider you, but the negatives just outweighed the positives," Stephen said, sounding regretful. "I made a graph and no matter what sort of graph I made it: line, bar, even pie, you always came in last."

Jon knew he was going to regret this, but he couldn't help but ask. "What negatives, Stephen?"

"Well, you're short, and you're wrong about pretty much everything, and your people killed Jesus, which I personally don't hold against you, but a lot of people aren't as forgiving as me."

"I understand, Stephen," Jon said. He was definitely starting to get a Stephen-induced headache.

"I'm glad. I wouldn't want this to interfere with our relationship."

"It won't, Stephen, I promise," Jon said, rubbing his forehead, and then hanging up the phone.

**III. Tokens of Affection**

Three days later, a fruit basket was delivered to Jon's office. There was a note attached which said: "You'll always be the VP of my heart, but not in a gay way or anything. Stephen."

Jon ate an apple and considered moving to Canada.

**IV. An Interlude in the Past**

Jon's first real friendship had started on the first day of Kindergarten with a girl who's name Jon couldn't remember to save his life. She had been taller than him, even when he stood on his tip-toes. Her hair had been red and she had always worn it in a long messy braid. She had followed Jon around for the entire day and when Jon had ignored her, she had dumped an entire bucket of Legos on his head. The next day, Jon had very carefully and very obviously ignored her just to see what she would do next.

Jon had never been a fan of normal friendships.

**V. Displays of Strength**

Seven days later Stephen held a press conference. Jon loved watching Stephen's press conferences, they were better than the circus, and Jon was pretty convinced that one day Stephen would manage to get an elephant to show up, or one of those guys who did motorcycle tricks in the steel ball.

_I've called this press conference to announce that despite the rumors circulating, I am not at this time considering Jon Stewart as my running mate in this election._

Jon's phone started ringing one second later, his cell phone a second after that.

**VI. A Vulnerable Side**

"Stephen, you need to stop this," Jon said, two weeks after the first phone call.

"Stop what, Jon?" Stephen asked, sounding far too innocent.

"I'm not going to be your running mate," Jon said.

"I thought I was clear about not wanting you," Stephen said defensively.

"Stephen, you were just crying on Oprah," Jon protested.

"I was not!" Stephen objected.

"Literally, Stephen. There were wet spots on her shirt. And you really shouldn't crawl into Oprah's lap. It's not professional."

"You're just lashing out because my rejection hurt you," Stephen said stiffly, "I knew this was going to affect our relationship, but I had hoped you were above such pettiness."

"Whatever," Jon sighed and hung up the phone.

**VII. The Psychological Fall Out**

Like any good New Yorker, Jon spent a lot of time in therapy. He never questioned the fact that he spent far more time talking about Stephen than talking about his wife.

That night, Jon dreamed that he was being chased down a never ending corridor by thousands of Stephen Colberts dressed as Bananas in Pajamas. There were speakers every few feet blaring out, "Hail to the Chief," and for some reason, tiny penguins waving American flags, running up and down the corridor looking at Jon with wide, hurt eyes.

He woke up late the next day. There were twenty messages on his voice mail. Seven of them were from George Clooney. That was never a good sign.

He started listening to them, and what he was pretty sure he was hearing through all the laughter made him want to crawl right back into bed.

**VIII. Hints of Desperation**

"Stephen," Jon said into the phone, trying hard not to yell, "Did you just imply on national television that the reason I couldn't be your running mate was because of a long buried gay sex scandal?"

"I suppose that's a possible interpretation of what I said," Stephen conceded.

"Why are you doing this, Stephen?" Jon said in the disappointed tone he only used on special occasions.

"Doing what?" Stephen asked.

"We've talked about this," Jon said using the same careful tone. "What are you supposed to do when you want something?"

"Ask for it?" Stephen guessed.

"Exactly. You ask for it. You don't create international incidents or gay sex scandals. Is there something you want to ask me?" Jon prompted.

"No," Stephen replied, sounding like he was sulking.

"If you say so," Jon said, giving up, and hanging up the phone.

**IX. A Realization**

It was generally accepted that Jon Stewart was the world champion of Stephen Colbert handling. If Stephen was being especially difficult or particularly insane, Jon was the first person anyone called.

Everyone thought Jon could control Stephen, but when Jon started thinking about it, he couldn't remember a single time that Stephen had not eventually gotten his way.

**X. A Victory For The Heart**

_I've called this press conference to announce that after much soul searching, I have chosen Jon Stewart to be my running mate and future Vice President. My brain tells me that this is a terrible decision, but I've never been a fan of listening to brains. It's just giving one muscle way too much preference over other muscles and that's not fair. My gut doesn't like this decision either which is more worrying, but that might just be all the Mexican food I ate last night. Not only are Mexicans destroying our country, but they are destroying my stomach with the lure of their tasty burritos._

In fact, none of my organs like this decision except my heart. Normally I don't trust hearts, they bleed everywhere, get broken, and the candy ones never taste as good as they look, but on this one matter, I decided to go with my heart. Now, I know you all have questions about the gay sex scandals and are wondering how anyone that short can have any real authority, but I can assure you that Jon Stewart will have no real authority in my administration at all. I just need someone to attend dinners for all the dignitaries from the unimportant countries like Canada and France and that one that looks like a boot. How can you take a country seriously when it looks like a woman's shoe?

Jon unplugged his phone and turned off his cell. Five minutes later his desk started playing "Hail to the Chief." He pulled open the drawer and there was a cell phone sitting there. It was decorated with baby eagles.

Jon sighed and answered the phone. "Stephen?"

"Oh good. You got the phone. I figured I'd give you one since yours always seems to be broken. We need to talk strategy. You're going to be an obvious disadvantage, but it's something I'm confident that I can overcome."

Jon relaxed into his chair, brought up George Clooney's wikipedia page, and said, "Yes, Stephen."

 

 

 


End file.
